c/divorce-support

Small victory: I finally cooked dinner for myself without crying

Honestly it's been six months since my ex moved out and I've mostly been living on cereal and takeout. Last Tuesday I decided to just make a simple pasta with jarred sauce and frozen veggies. I stood in my tiny kitchen in Portland and burned the garlic because I was distracted. But I scraped off the burned bits and finished it anyway and sat down and ate a real meal at my own table for the first time in forever. It was actually pretty good and I felt like I did something for myself instead of just surviving. I didn't cry or get angry and that felt like a huge step forward. Has anyone else had random small moments like this that made you feel like you were actually healing?

2 comments

terry_thomas•1d ago

The debate no one talks about: staying friends vs going no contact with your ex-spouse

I keep seeing posts where people say you gotta cut all ties the second you sign the papers. But my ex-wife and I split up about 18 months ago up in Portland, and we actually get along better now than we did for the last three years of marriage. We split the dog, split the bills, even went to a Blazers game last month. Then my brother tells me I'm doing it all wrong, that staying friendly just makes it harder to heal. So which is it? Does staying in touch hold you back from moving on, or does being civil just prove you grew up? I've seen both sides work for different people, but I think the crowd that preaches total silence ignores that some of us actually liked our spouse as a person even if we couldn't live with them. Has anyone else managed to keep a real friendship going after divorce, or am I just fooling myself here?

3 comments

spencerm46•2d ago

The county clerk in Phoenix told me something that saved me $600 in filing fees

I was standing in line at the Maricopa County courthouse ready to pay $350 for the divorce filing when the guy behind the counter whispered that I could file it as 'joint' instead of 'contested' because my ex already signed everything, and that one word choice knocked it down to $89, has anyone else had a clerk give them a money-saving tip like that?

2 comments

kai914•3d ago

Found out my ex changed the locks but I'm still liable for the HOA fees

I was going through old mail and saw a delinquent HOA notice from the Pine Meadows association in my name, even though I left the house 6 months ago. Turns out in our state, if you're still on the deed you're on the hook for fees until the divorce decree is filed with the county. Has anyone else gotten stuck with a bill like this after moving out?

3 comments

skyler_smith85•3d ago

Ex-husband kept the house but I'm stuck on the mortgage for 2 more years

My divorce finalized 3 months ago in Columbus, Ohio, and my ex got the house in the settlement but I'm still on the mortgage because he can't refinance on his own yet. He's already late on two payments and my credit score dropped 60 points last month. Is there any way to force him to refinance faster or do I just have to ride this out and hope he doesn't tank us both?

3 comments

the_dylan•4d ago

That moment in the grocery store aisle really hit me different

I was standing in the cereal aisle at a Walmart in Tulsa around 8pm, and I just broke down because I realized I was buying for one now, not two. I put the box back and walked out. Has anyone else had a random normal place hit them like that out of nowhere?

2 comments

xena373•4d ago

Thought joint bank accounts were a trap, but my ex proved me wrong

I was dead set against merging finances when we got married, thought it was just a way to control spending. Then my ex hid $12k in credit card debt until our separation papers hit, and the separate accounts made it way harder to prove in court. Has anyone else had separate finances bite them in the butt during divorce proceedings?

2 comments

oscarb77•4d ago

The 6 month difference in how I talk to my kids about the split

I was at a coffee shop in Denver last weekend and overheard a mom talking to her friend about how she phrases things with her kids after divorce. It hit me that I've been doing it so wrong for the first 3 months after we separated. I used to say stuff like "your dad moved out because we couldn't get along" which made my 8 year old cry every time. Then my therapist gave me this one line to try: "Your dad and I both love you, we just couldn't live together anymore." That was 6 months ago. Now my kids ask way fewer sad questions, they don't blame themselves, and my daughter actually asked if she could invite both me and my ex to her school play last month. The wording change made a bigger difference than I ever thought it would. Has anyone else found a specific phrase that worked better than what they were saying before?

2 comments

paulschmidt•6d ago

That one Tuesday when my lawyer called with good news for once

After 14 months of fighting over the house and savings, my lawyer called last Tuesday and said my ex agreed to let me keep the old fishing cabin up in Maine, and I sat in my car for 10 minutes just staring at the phone because I honestly forgot what relief felt like. Has anyone else had a single day where the fog lifted even just a little?

2 comments

grant.nina•8d ago

Is it better to stay friends for the kids or cut contact completely?

My ex and I have been divorced for 6 months now, and we try to do the 'friendly co-parent' thing for our 8-year-old daughter. But every time we talk, it just stirs up old arguments and I end up feeling awful for two days. Has anyone here had to choose between these two paths and can tell me what really worked?

3 comments

the_jamie•9d ago

I finally spent $600 on a good lawyer and it saved my whole case

At first I tried to save money by going with a cheaper lawyer from those referral sites... big mistake. He missed a deadline on filing some paperwork and I almost lost custody of my dog. So I bit the bullet and paid $600 for a proper family law attorney with a real office. She caught five things the first guy overlooked and got me a way better settlement. Has anyone else learned the hard way that cheap legal help just costs you more in the end?

2 comments

hayden466•10d ago

PSA: stop telling people in fresh divorce to 'just focus on yourself'

My buddy said that to me 3 days after my ex moved out and I wanted to punch him. What does that even mean when you can't sleep or eat and the lawyer just sent a $5k bill?

2 comments

alice_kim•11d ago

TIL it took exactly 14 months for me to laugh after my divorce

14 months on the dot. I was standing in the hardware aisle at Home Depot and some guy dropped a whole bucket of paint on his foot. I laughed so hard I cried. When did you hit that weird milestone where things finally felt funny again?

3 comments

hill.andrew•13d ago

Warning: I tried a 'co-parenting app' with my ex and it backfired hard

I downloaded one of those apps meant to keep communication logged for court purposes. After about 3 weeks, my ex started using the app to send me a constant stream of passive aggressive notes about every little thing. The app gave her a record of all her complaints, and she started copying her lawyer on everything. I learned the hard way that if your ex is already difficult, giving them a permanent paper trail just makes things worse. Has anyone else dealt with a co-parenting app actually making the conflict worse?

2 comments

bens81•15d ago

I spent $180 on a therapist for my kid and it saved our relationship

My ex and I split about 2 years ago and my daughter was holding so much anger toward me. I thought she'd get over it but after a year of her barely talking to me I found a child therapist who specializes in divorce. She charged $120 a session but I went every other week for three months. Now my daughter actually talks to me again and we go fishing on Sundays. Has anyone else had luck with therapy helping their kids adjust?

3 comments

kim.xena•17d ago

The week my ex took the dog and I finally felt free

Last Tuesday, my ex came to pick up our golden retriever for his weekend and I spent the whole 3 days just sitting in silence, no barking or slobber to clean up. It hit me that I'd been holding onto the dog just to feel connected to our old life, not because I actually wanted a pet right now. Has anyone else had a weird moment where losing something you thought you needed actually felt like a relief?

2 comments

uma685•18d ago

Just realized the trick to splitting assets without lawyers bleeding us dry

My ex and I were stuck paying $400 an hour to argue over a coffee table. I finally suggested we each take turns picking one item from the whole house list, no negotiating just pick and move on. We finished everything in 45 minutes and saved maybe $3,000 in legal fees. Has anyone else found a weird system that cut through the nonsense?

2 comments

hayden709•21d ago

The number of divorced dads who lose contact with their kids within 2 years is 40%??

I was reading a report from the Pew Research Center last week and that stat just floored me. How do we start changing that before it becomes normal?

2 comments

elizabethn56•23d ago

The Moment I Realized I Was Fighting My Ex Instead of Co-Parenting

For the first year after our divorce, I thought I was being a great co-parent by insisting on a strict schedule with my ex. Every pickup and dropoff had to be exactly on time, and I'd get furious if he was 5 minutes late. I kept a log of every single thing he did wrong, thinking I was protecting our kids. Then my 8-year-old said, 'Mom, why are you always so mad at Dad? I just want us all to be happy.' That hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I was using the schedule as a weapon, not for the kids' benefit. Has anyone else had a kid say something that made you totally rethink your approach?

3 comments

tyler_bell•25d ago

Found out my ex-spouse's retirement account has an old beneficiary form I forgot to update

I was digging through my divorce papers from 3 years ago and noticed my 401k from my old job still listed her as 100% beneficiary. Called the plan administrator and they said without a signed waiver post-divorce, state law might default it to her anyway. Has anyone else had to fight to get a beneficiary switched after the decree was signed?

2 comments

stella_baker•26d ago

Wasted $400 on a fancy divorce mediation app that did nothing

Bought this highly-rated app to help us sort out custody schedules and asset splitting, but it just made everything more confusing between us. Anyone else tried one of those digital tools and ended up back with a pen and paper?

3 comments

elizabethg18•26d ago

Showerthought: Half of marriages end in divorce but the second time around the rate is even higher

I was reading through some old census data last night and found out that for second marriages, the divorce rate jumps to about 67 percent. That surprised me because I always thought people would learn from the first one... Has anyone else looked into the stats on remarriage and found something that caught them off guard?

3 comments

the_hugo•27d ago

The cashier at Target gave me a random high five last Tuesday

I was checking out with just a frozen pizza and some ice cream, feeling pretty down. I guess my face showed it. The lady at the register said 'hey, you showed up today and that counts for something' and held up her hand. I actually smiled and gave her a high five. It was such a small thing but it pulled me out of a bad headspace for the rest of the day. Has anyone else had a random stranger say something that just hit different?

2 comments

ellis.hayden•1mo ago

I was the one causing all the drama for months after my divorce

For like 6 months straight I kept rehashing everything with my ex to anyone who would listen. Thought I was processing. Then my buddy in Cleveland straight up told me I sounded like a broken record at lunch. That hit hard. Realized I was using the anger to avoid actually healing myself. Now I just talking to a therapist once a week instead. Anyone else have that moment where you realized you were the problem?

3 comments

james_singh7•1mo ago

Why does nobody talk about the weird loneliness of losing in-laws too

I'm about 8 months out from my divorce finalized in Phoenix and something hit me last week out of nowhere... I realized I actually miss my ex-wife's parents more than I miss her. They were always the ones who remembered my birthday and invited me over for Thanksgiving even when things were rocky. It's this strange double loss where you grieve people who aren't even blood related but they were your family for 12 years. Has anyone else dealt with that hollow feeling of losing the in-laws and not knowing how to handle it?

3 comments